I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
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found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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