If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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