Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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