Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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