the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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