i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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