If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Two words: nipple clamps
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