My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
