Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
