I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
