It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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