There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
