Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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