Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
