The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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