If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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