just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
