I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
