I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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