you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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