Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
