I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
