You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
sex in a hospital.. check
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
