I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
