my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
