just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.