She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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