Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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