As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
