Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
