life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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