Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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