i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
