I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
