The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
