Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
