I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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