if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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