I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
