Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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