so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what day is it and did you see me today?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
