Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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