Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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