I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
