I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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