He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
