life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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