I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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