lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
