Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
