I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
