i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
