Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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