Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
