I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
