He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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