Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
