i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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