She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
