My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
