Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
